My journey to health has always been about more than merely losing weight. It's been a focus on healthy living. Not just physical; but mental, emotional and even spiritual. It's been about taking a really hard look at myself as a whole and discovering who I am and what kind of person I am...then making the necessary changes when I cringe.
Honestly, as difficult as it's been, the physical health journey has been the easiest. All I have to do is change what and how much I eat while getting out and moving more. Pretty simple when you get down to it. The other aspects are what have been giving me trouble.
I have struggled with strong emotion my entire life. I'm a very emotional being. I am an extreme personality. I either love or despise. Learning moderation is one of the hardest things I've ever done (and continue to do...because it's a process). That said, I hold on to to things much longer than is healthy and when something sticks in my brain, it tends to stay. There are times when this can be a good thing; mulling something over in my brain that just doesn't sit right. It's how I process. Hell, it's how I got through college and writing papers. It's how my mind works.
The problem comes when I can't come to a satisfactory solution inside my head. Then, the mulling becomes obsession and I can't let it drop. This opens the door for confusion, hurt, anger and, eventually, bitterness to enter the picture. Once it's there, bitterness tends to infect everything I think and feel to some degree. I opened the door to bitterness over 8 years ago and am just now making some headway with moving on.
I'm honestly not sure what happened recently. Maybe it's the running. Maybe it's that I'm really taking a hard look at who I am and what I've become. Maybe it's that I'm finally starting to mend my broken trust with the Church and God (which, to be honest, is where all this started in the first place). Maybe it's because I'm finally feeling comfortable with the idea of who I am. Me. Myself. Alone. Without being dependent on anyone telling me who that is. No-matter the reason; I have found myself finally, inexplicably free of bitterness and anger. It's gone. I just woke up one day (Monday, to be precise) and it wasn't there.
It's like I'm seeing the world in a completely different way. I am still me. I am more me than I ever have been. But, things that bothered me no longer do. Ideas and individuals who drove me to utter frustration no longer have a hold on me. My mind is able to let go. I am able to move on. Leave the past in the past and look to the future.
It feels amazing and I never want to wallow in bitterness and anger again.
